Andy Laub

Prologue

Last year I bought a Buell Blast (aka the Hardliest of Davidsons), a bike with half a motor that was more fun to ride than it had a right to be. Then I spent a bunch of time (and money, but mostly time) making it better. This is great, I thought. I definitely don’t need to go faster than this.

As it turns out, that’s not entirely true. As the warm weather hit this year, I started to fantasize about something a little different – a bike that didn’t require me to hold on for dear life while doing a “leisurely” 70 on the highway. I figured I’d give the Buell one more summer while I searched for the perfect replacement – I still wanted something relatively inexpensive, but… bigger. And with more cylinders.

I found one candidate within relatively close proximity – the mileage and price were right, and the color was… tolerable. Because it wasn’t the color I would’ve wanted, I hemmed and hawed on it for a week or two before finally calling. It was still available! But wait… the owner had purchased it from his brother, and there was a lien on the title.

Don’t worry, he said! His brother had just called the bank and they were sending the lien release, so he’d have it soon. We agreed that it would be best to wait until it arrived before I went to see the bike. I knew that if I saw it, I’d be too tempted to shove money into his hand-hole and drive it away – an impossibility without the proper paperwork.

I waited, but I am not a patient person. I made calls about other bikes – one of which I was ready to buy until I received a text from the owner: “Hey sorry man I went to the dealer and they gave me almost what I wanted for my bike so I traded it in.” Jaw, floor, etc. I was so pissed – I had psyched myself up for this new option and now I was back to square one.

Back to waiting. Another week passed, with intermittent texts between me and the owner of bike #1 – me letting him know I was still interested, him letting me know that there was no news. It was a little after the 2-week mark when he called to let me know that his brother finally got ahold of the bank and they were sending out the lien release paperwork.

Wait… what? Didn’t that happen already? I should note at this point that during the entirety of this process I was doing near obsessive amounts of research trying to figure out other ways to release the title, none of which turned out to be viable options. So when I found out that the first time his brother had called, he had only left a message, I reached my breaking point.

Part I: The Hunt Re-begins

I should also mention that at the same time, my other half was getting the itch to ditch his Buell for something even shinier and newer-er. Suffice it to say that there was a bit of drama about that, and suddenly 600cc’s didn’t feel like the right choice anymore.

That’s how I found myself in Minneapolis (three hours from home) on a Wednesday evening, handing over cash for a bike that… was not the most attractive thing (at the moment). We had planned to run over, pick it up, and get back out of town by 5:00 or so, avoiding cold and darkness for most of the trip home.

That…is not what happened. When my sidekick stopped at the side of the road to figure out a route out of town, I made the horrible mistake of turning off the bike. And then it didn’t turn back on. Fortunately we were able to jump start it with little trouble, but the first priority now was to track down a replacement battery. Looking back I’m not sure why I thought this was the best course of action, but you know what they say about hindsight. We found a great little shop only a couple miles away – and I managed to stall on the way there, resulting in me temporarily abandoning my newly-acquired friend on the side of the road.

But at least we got a battery! Except it turned out that the problem was not the battery! And everyplace was now closed! I tried calling Uhaul, from whom I would’ve gladly rented a motorcycle trailer in exchange for not having to ride for three hours in the dark on an unfamiliar bike. I was pretty thrilled when they a) couldn’t find our local office (where I would’ve returned the trailer) and b) bounced me around just long enough for the Minneapolis office to close and no longer accept reservations. For about twenty minutes my world slowly compressed as I tried to figure out how I was going to get this expletive home OH GOD I’M STUCK HERE.

Part II: Fuck It, Let’s Just Do This

It was somewhere around this point that I remembered that the item in question was a vehicle still perfectly capable of moving under its own power. We hooked up the jumper cables yet again, and the bike immediately came back to life with that weird uneven idle that inline-four bikes seem to have. Our first stop was a gas station a few miles away where we’d fill up and then I’d make my inaugural trip onto the highway. It would be inaccurate to say I’ve never been so stressed out on a motorcycle – while unfamiliar with this particular bike, I was no longer terrified of riding in traffic like I was on those first couple of days with the Buell. I was just very very worried about stalling, as each mishap would cost valuable time.

But we made it to the gas station, where I spent a lofty $9.36 for my first tank of gas and inevitably splattered it everywhere because I am amazing. From there the story begins to blur. I remember that first twist of the throttle onto the highway, where the bike happily chugged along at 75 and was eager for more. I remember the sun beginning to set as we drove through Hudson (Wisconsin), and the weather beginning to cool dramatically. I remember seeing some motorcyclists look over at me from the opposite side of the highway to see what I was riding, because I like to do that too. And I remember pulling into the gas station / rest stop / hotel outside of Eau Claire that marked the halfway point of our journey and being nearly frozen to death. We decided to grab some dinner after refueling (just $7.16 this time!), and I shivered my way through some hot chocolate and a grilled cheese sandwich. And cheese curds – always cheese curds.

The last hundred miles were weird. It somehow managed to feel colder and darker, and the whole experience honestly made me feel a little stir crazy. At 60 miles from home I tried counting to pass the time, and at 30 miles from home I had resorted to singing songs from community theatre shows I’ve been in. It was nearly 11:00 when we arrived back in Wausau. Waiting on the doorstep was the motorcycle jacket I had recently ordered, which would’ve really come in handy. I have great timing.

Part III: Assault With Battery

The next day I dropped the bike off at a local shop to diagnose the starting issue and generally look the bike over. They installed some new tires and recommended a new Regulator/Rectifier to solve the problem. I decided to order the part and install it myself, and… nothing. Another drive out to the shop confirmed that it didn’t seem to be a defective part, and a trip to a (much closer) auto shop confirmed that both batteries seemed to be bad. Awesome!

I boxed up the new battery for my inevitable trip back to Minneapolis, reinstalled the old battery, and hooked up the charger. Lo and behold, THAT battery actually starts the bike – something the new one could never manage to do. Either the new battery was defective from the start, or not fully-charged, or both, but suffice it to say it was a complete failure. And because I am a genius, I made the assumption that dead battery = bad battery, something which didn’t seem to be the case. I still don’t know if the R/R was actually defective, but at least I have a new one!

Epilogue

So it seems this motorcycle and I got off on the completely wrong foot – what was supposed to be a fun adventure turned into something significantly less fun. At the same time, it did make for an experience. The bike, one I’ve been smitten with for nearly ten years, is now happy and healthy, and I’m totally in love.

We went to the MALL OF AMERICA over the weekend as part of our occasional “let’s pretend we’ve never been to Minneapolis before” thing that we like to do (we also went to IKEA!), and while it was enjoyable enough (and at least good exercise – did you know that a lap around the mall is over half a mile?), we basically only spent money on lunch and that was it.

But I did make one very important observation. We had been warned before visiting that Microsoft has done what we in the biz call “copying Apple” and opened one of their famed(?) Microsoft Stores at MOA. Not particularly humorous – I don’t dispute that a branded store for a company with as many products as Microsoft is useful, and putting it in one of the biggest malls ever makes sense. The issue at hand is where in the mall it is: across from the Apple Store.

Seriously.

The problem here is that Microsoft’s stores, as implied above, borrow heavily from the book of Apple in every way; it really is like they took an Apple store and changed the logo. That wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t immediately from their “inspiration” – it was like looking in a mirror. Well, maybe a funhouse mirror. We even noticed that both (at least on the Saturday we were there) have greeters positioned front and center – I like to imagine they spend their day staring each other down when not dealing with shoppers.

But that’s not all! My most memorable mall moment is walking into the Microsoft Store after a brief visit to Apple: immediately upon entering, the floor slopes upward about 6 inches for no apparent reason and with no warning. it’s a little jarring, to be honest, because no other stores that we visited do this. I’m not going to get all melodramatic and say it’s a safety hazard – it’s just weird. I guess they must have done it so they could run wires, but what a lazy way to do things when you have that kind of money to spend.

Then I realized it’s all a metaphor, man. That little jolt you get when you enter the store is preparing you for every little nit you’ll have to deal with when using their products. Sure, they’ll get the job done, but you’ll be complaining the entire time about the dumb little shit you have to deal with while doing so.

My friend Gary bought a cyclocross bike. This is not news, because it happened nearly two years ago. It’s a Bianchi Roger, a single-speed road frame with beefed up components (and disc brakes!) perfect for traversing muddy trails and grassy knolls. But equipped with a set of slicks it became a formidable commuter bike – light, strong, and fast. But while there was a lot to like, certain bits left me wanting. Most of what it did (albeit with less weight) was matched by my own single speed; the two were simply too similar to ever logically share a garage.

It was last summer that I started to be more and more enticed by road riding. I looked at plenty of road bikes, but none really stood out as “the one”. These would be ideal for commuting but also for longer ventures that just weren’t practical on my Bianchi. Or at least, that’s what I told myself. At the same time, I’m not denying that I’m rough on my bikes, and I feared for the safety of a road bike under my ownership – which is why I started looking at cyclocross bikes again. Then I found the Trek Portland – basically the Roger with gears. But I wasn’t a fan of the Shimano Tiagra components on paper, and the price was higher than I was comfortable with. Still though, it was about 90% there, and I was tempted.

At first sight…

One day I wandered over to LeMond’s site (a subsidiary of Trek, focused solely on road bikes) to admire them as I often do. It was then that I discovered the LeMond Poprad, and I was smitten. While the Portland is billed as a commuter bike, the Poprad is a CX bike through and through. Many of the components are similar (Avid BB7’s, again!), but the Poprad uses Shimano 105 throughout the drivetrain (with the exception of the Bontrager crank). Instead of aluminum, the frame is steel, which means the tubes are skinnier and the whole frame is more classically proportioned than the Portland and Roger. And the graphics were timeless.

So the Poprad became my dream bike (which is not doing too badly considering it’s not the same price as a car), but alas, the price was similar to the Portland’s, and still more than I was willing to part with for a bike I wasn’t sure I needed. And then the colder weather set in, and my love of all things two-wheeled went into its annual hibernation.

Now spring is (almost) here and I’m in better shape than I ever have been, and I’m itching for some longer rides. The first ride out on the Bianchi, while nice, wasn’t as satisfying as it could’ve been. I just had that nagging feeling that I was using the wrong tool for the job. After obsessing over the new offerings for 2009 on the various manufacturer sites, I was left wanting. Some were close, but nobody – not even LeMond – was making the bike that I wanted.

Google delivers

So it was purely happenstance, then, that I was searching for the Poprad on Google, with very low expectations. The odds of finding one seemed relatively hopeless – there are no local LeMond dealers, and Trek/LeMond have an agreement with resellers that while the bikes may be purchased online, they may not be shipped; only picked up at the store. Plus it would have to be a good price, and most importantly, it would have to be my size.

But somehow the stars aligned, and I found a shop selling a brand new 2007 Poprad (which actually is slightly more attractive than the ’08 in that it only has a 9-speed cassette instead of a 10-speed and can accommodate a wider, more durable chain) for a great price. I almost fell out of my chair when I saw they were located in Minneapolis. Okay, maybe not – but I’m pretty sure I swore. A barrage of emails later, and they were holding the bike for me so I could make the trip over and check it out.

Less than a day later I was driving home from Minneapolis, my new Poprad tucked safely in the back of the car (on top of the dining table from IKEA – I love hatchbacks, by the way). The shop I bought from, Freewheel Bike, was nothing but helpful, and I highly recommend them for anyone in the area.

How is it?

I think it’s great. Unfortunately Wisconsin has felt the need to assert that it’s not spring just yet and given my aversion to cold, I am off to a slow start in terms of mileage. But the rule of thumb I’ve adopted is that I need to put at least a mile on for every dollar that was spent, and I’m committed to that. In the meantime, I’ll sit and stare at my bike on Flickr (or glare at weather.com); it will have to do.

I went to the Twin Cities Friday. Then I came back. I bought pants. I bought a coat. I read that Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. We went to Olive Garden. We looked at Acuras. We bought curtains at IKEA. I have no Christmas shopping done.

Well, at least that is what someone I know likes to say. I’m not sure I really feel that way. Granted, it is relatively more almost Christmas than it was, say, a month ago, but I don’t think it warrants decorations or anything. As a matter of fact, Christmas decorations should be held off until 2 weeks before, if not completely banned. There’s nothing worse than Christmas lights still up in August. Well, OK, there are worse things, but it is still pretty bad. Anyway, we were in the Twin Cities last weekend for some good old-fashioned enjoyment.

We went to malls and IKEA and bought some things, nothing exciting (shirts!). I saw the Porsche 997 which really, really is gorgeous. Other cars of interest included (but were not limited to) a couple new Acuras (the 05 RSX, TSX, and TL), Volvo V50 (I sat in one, which I haven’t had a chance to do since the car show in February), the new Subarus (just got a chance to more closely examine them), and finally, in a parking lot for Toys R Us of all places, a Lotus Elise. I don’t know if I’m getting more excited about it than I should, but it’s the first one I’ve ever seen and it was totally unexpected. The Porsche was a pleasant suprise, but it was a fairly prestigious dealership so I probably would have been disappointed had they not had it. The Lotus, though, that is a nice little package. Which reminds me, we also looked at the MR2 Spyder, another nice little package, albeit less unique (and half the price).

You may have also noticed the new “music” category on the right. I signed up for the iTunes affiliate program to see what the deal is, so we’ll see what comes of it. I would highly recommend In The Shadows and Two Way Monologue (the song more than the album). And of course, Walkie Talkie Man is the song in the new iPod commercial.

Lord, won’t you buy me an Acura TSX?